All I want for Christmas is a real good tan
Take me to the islands
Put my feet in the sand
Rockin’ to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean
Singin’ silent night with the palm trees a blowin’

Ooooh, don’t you think it’s a pretty good plan
All I want for Christmas is a real good tan

Well if you’re thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ me a present this year
Let me put a bug in your cute little ear
How about two tickets to a tropical show
Where we don’t have to wear these winter clothes anymore
Instead of turkey we’ll have mahi mahi grillin’
And pina colodas in the blender chillin’

All I want for Christmas is a real good tan
Take me to the islands
Put my feet in the sand
Singin’ silent night with the palm trees a blowin’

Ooooh, don’t you think it’s a pretty good plan
All I want for Christmas is a real good tan

Well everybody’s prayin’ for a Christmas so white
Come to think about it that would be alright
As long as there is sand nor snow on the ground
And everyday our skin gets a little more brown
We’ll string some lights in a coconut tree
I’ll rub some oil on you and you can rub some on me

All I want for Christmas is a real good tan
I can see us baby on the beach hand in hand
Rockin’ to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean
Baby whats you say you and me we’ll be goin’

Ooooh, I can almost feel my toes in the sand
All I want for Christmas is a real good tan

And don’t worry baby we’ll celebrate plenty
I’ll buy you some shades a brand new bikini
We won’t have to worry about the holiday rush
It’ll be you and me fallen’ deeper in love

Ooooh, don’t you think it’s a pretty good plan
All I want for Christmas is a real good tan

All I want for Christmas is a real good tan

Even good-natured Santa Claus is annoyed by this cheeky young fruit who refuses to stop calling St. Nick “Sandy.” Check it out:

What better way to bring a smile, a giggle or a hardy laugh to your friends and loved ones than to send them funny holiday greeting cards. Humor is sometimes the greatest gift of all. As the holiday season gradually begins to creep up on us, we all tend to feel pressured by commercial advertisements and overflowing, catalog-stuffed mailboxes. The message is loud and clear-to give more means to buy more. Discounts and other incentives aside, the sheer magnitude of competing products in the marketplace can quickly drain our wallets and pocketbooks.

Sure, gifts may still be in order, but why not supplement, or substitute them with funny holiday greeting cards. With nearly 3,000 greeting card publishers nationwide to choose from, what’s the best way to quickly zero in on the perfect card? I’ve written about greeting cards before and searched far and wide for companies offering just the right cards. Many catalogs present a unique collection to browse through. Additionally, some websites are very complicated to use while others are super easy to use and images are sharp and clear, web pages load quickly, navigation around the site is simple, and check-out is a breeze. For those of us who still prefer the more tangible approach to shopping, many cards can be found in many brick-and-mortar locations such as: bookstores, coffee shops, pharmacies, food markets, houseware stores, garden centers, and gift shops.

What makes funny holiday greeting cards from certain companies so great? Imagination! For starters, you can’t go wrong with animals. Greeting card companies that love to use all kinds of animals-cats, dogs, birds, penguins, bears, etc. — as subjects for their greeting cards. For instance, I found one holiday card featuring two dogs — one wearing a Santa hat and the other one, red reindeer antlers-sitting at a table in front of a roasted turkey, licking their chops. Another card shows a penguin snatching a carrot off a snowman’s face with its beak. Can you imagine a cat building a snowman? Some crazy photographer caught it on camera!

The omniscient Santa figure also makes a great subject for funny holiday cards. An image of Santa has a way of making everyone feel like a kid again, special, and deserving. Now, imagine Santa sitting down on the job. Whoever thought the jovial, red-suited man takes late-night coffee breaks between deliveries! It’s another classic card.

The best greeting card company’s greetings are non-denominational, appropriate for friends and family of all faiths. Some examples are: “Happy Holidays,” “Enjoy the Magic of the Season,” “Peace on Earth.” and “Warmest wishes for the holidays!”

Cost is also an issue. Generally, I found that at about $13 for a box of 10 cards, individual cards cost about $1.30 each! Other greeting card companies are selling holiday cards for more than $2.50 each and they’re not nearly as nice as some of the cards that cost half as much. Treat your friends, family, and colleagues to funny holiday greeting cards and don’t forget to repeat this year’s holiday mantra… “Start early, spend less, smile more!”

Check out Palm Press’s full line of funny holiday greeting cards at their website. Order early and get all your cards sent out early this year. Less stress makes for a more enjoyable holiday season. If you order $125 of funny holiday greeting cards you’ll even get free shipping! Also, check out the Last Minute Card Kit for great gifts for college students.

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For more funny holiday greeting cards, see our selection of funny Christmas cards.

Though Dean Koontz is best known for his bestselling horror and suspense books, this Christmas tale is pure fun for both children and adults. It’s a ryhming, rollicking look at the awful night Santa was kidnapped by his twin brother, Bob Claus, and locked in “a dismal, deep, dark, dank hole” at the North Pole. The twin then proceeds to get into mischief, such as this:

“In the front room, at one of the trees
the bad twin of Santa is on his knees,
giggling as he stuffs another gift box
with a few pairs of smelly old socks.
He snorts and he chortles with evil glee
and mutters, ‘No one will know it was me.’”

But the evil twin’s plans are foiled – and Santa Claus is saved – by two sisters who survive a pie in the face, a ray gun that shoots snow and other challenges. The story is colorfully illustrated by Phil Parks.

And if you enjoy the story of Santa’s Twin, you can follow the adventures of Santa and Bob Claus in the sequel, Robot Santa.

Dashing through the sand
With a bomb strapped to my back
I have a nasty plan
For Christmas in Iraq

I got through checkpoint A
But not through checkpoint B
That’s when I got shot in the a** by the U.S. military

It’s not funny!

Ohh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs mine blew up you see
Where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me
Jingle bombs, jingle bombs your soldiers shot me dead
The only thing that I have left is this towel upon my head

I used to be a man, but every time I cough
Thanks to uncle Sam my nuts keep falling off
My bombing days are done, I need to find some work
Perhaps it would be much safer as a convenience store night clerk,
Ohh, Jingle bombs, jingle bombs I think I got screwed
Don’t laugh at me because I’m dead or I kill you

a poem by Debora Dyess

As I watched the cartoon with the Grinch and Max
I felt every one of my muscles go lax.
Sitting on the couch on Christmas Eve
After I’d asked all our house guests to leave.

Drifting in and out of my dreams,
Thinking on Christmas hopes and schemes
I started as I heard a super loud boom
Come from the far end of the living room.

I stood and rubbed my eyes as the Grinch
And Max fell off a cliff, and I flinched.
I rounded the corner out of the den
And stopped there, astonished at what had come in.

An old man, red long-johns and black shiny boots,
A great big beer belly all covered in soot.
“Were you in my chimney?” I asked, eyebrows raised.
“Why yes, son, I was,” he replied, somewhat dazed.

“This house wasn’t even on my list.
What is your name? I guess that I missed
You and your missus as I started my rounds.
It’s a miracle that your trailer even was found.

“You can thank old Donder for that.
He’s a good tracker, though sometimes a brat.”
Then the old man commenced to open a sack
Sat himself down and pulled out his crap!

“You’re not living here!” I told the old feller.
“There’s room for you down at the shelter.
“I’ll drive you there myself, if you’d like.
It’s the least I can do on Christmas Eve night.”

The old man said, “Ho-ho! You don’t understand!”
But I cut him off as I took his hand.
“It’s alright; my pa’s got Alzheimer’s, too.
I know it’s tough, but we’ll get you through.”

I gathered his goodies and put them all in
To the sack as he picked it up once again.
He looked somewhat confused, I steered him to the door,
But he tried to go back to the chimney once more.

“My ride is up there,” he said with a nod.
I felt sorry for him, said, “You talking ‘bout God?”
I took him more firmly by his old, flabby arm,
Intending to keep this poor gent from harm.

“I must get back to my sleigh!” the stranger hollered.
He looked panicked, knowing he had been collared.
I guess that must be when both tempers rose,
Cause that old man punched me right in the nose!

I stumbled backwards, grabbing my face
And the old man ran to get out of my place.
I caught my toe on the edge of the couch,
Bumped my head on the floor and then I was out!

I awoke to find an empty, cold room
Where the fireplace was out. In dark midnight gloom
I looked for the old man; he wasn’t around.
But you won’t believe the thing that I found!

It was a note, tied to my tree,
Signed by Santa, addressed to me.
It said, “I’ve never done this before,
But you’re on the naughty list now – evermore!”

This isn’t good. This is so sad!
The Claus-man thinks I’m really bad!
Ah well, at least my nose didn’t break!
Chalk it all up to a Redneck mistake!

Osama Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Osama got run over by a reindeer
Right outside his cave on Christmas Eve
Some folks say there’s no such thing as Santa
But now even the Taliban believe

Osama thought we’d never find him
But even little children know
Santa knows who’s been real naughty
In those hard Afgani mountains capped with snow

Al-quiada found him Christmas morning
Face down on that mountain pass
There were hoof marks on his turban
And a broken reindeer antler up his oh-ho-ho-ho-ho

Osama got run over by a reindeer
Being near his cave door on christmas eve
You can say theres no such thing as karma
But if you saw those hoof marks you’d believe

Sing it

Osama got run over by a reindeer
Now he’s not around on Christmas day
He was hopin he’d be metting Allah
The only thing he met was Santa’s sleigh

Merry Christmas

Ooh, that’s gotta hurt!

Osama Got Run Over by a Reindeer We have all hear Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, but have you heard this new version???

]]> http://funny-christmas.com/2010/04/12/osama-got-run-over-by-a-reindeer-lyrics-with-video/feed/ 0 http://funny-christmas.com/2010/03/24/christmas-humor-santa-reports-first-loss-in-150-years-due-to-over-regulation/ http://funny-christmas.com/2010/03/24/christmas-humor-santa-reports-first-loss-in-150-years-due-to-over-regulation/#comments Wed, 24 Mar 2010 23:22:07 +0000 funnybone http://funny-christmas.com/?p=263 Here’s an article that pokes fun at over-regulation of businesses. What would happen to Christmas if Santa Claus suddenly was subjected to all the regulations that normal business owners must face? Let’s hope this scenario never comes true!

Christmas Humor – Santa Reports First Loss in 150 Years Due to Over Regulation
By Lance Winslow

It appears that the Santa Claus Corporation is having a tough time competing in the marketplace due to the over regulation that has permeated the North Pole. “This is worse than the global warming theory,” said Santa, “Over regulation is preventing our factories producing all the toys we need to make to get out for 2009 Christmas season. If we don’t finish in time, all is lost and we don’t want to lose our contract for Christmas, especially at a time we just picked up the contract for Hanukkah.”

Currently, Santa Claus Inc. is delivering toys to nearly 1.1 billion children around the world, but since they are in a US territory, they have to deal with the United States Government’s massive over regulation. Chris Kringle VII, the CEO and chairman of the Corporation stated;

“I hate to have to close down the factories, and outsource all the work to China, but I have no choice, our health care costs have tripled, workers compensation has doubled, and I’ve had the EPA, OSHA, and several other regulatory bodies flying up here to the North Pole telling us we’ve been breaking the rules and regulations and then giving us serious fines.”

“All this has cut into our bottom line and we no longer can afford to run the factories 24 seven, pay the elves their overtime, and still comply with the incessant rules. Sarbanes-Oxley has been tough enough,” stated Santa Claus Inc.’s corporate counsel and attorney. The CFO of the company told investors on a conference call that it looks like they would be reporting the first loss in 150 years. Their stock is down 4.25% on the day.

Lance Winslow is a retired Founder of a Nationwide Franchise Chain, and now runs the Online Think Tank. Lance Winslow believes in less regulatory nonsense.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lance_Winslow

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Ho, ho, ho! It’s that time of year again folks, and as we count down the days to Christmas, now is a great time to learn some funny Christmas songs. After all, ’tis the season to be jolly! Stretch your vocal chords, or stretch your fingers on the piano, and have the whole family laughing with these new, funny Christmas songs for children.

Doth Thou Know’st Ye Olde Lyrics?

The traditional carols have such beautiful melodies, but sometimes the lyrics to Christmas songs are hard to understand. After a “hither”, a “thou know’st”, and a “good league”, most adults start to lose the plot, so imagine how difficult it must be for children! To make the traditional Christmas songs more relevant for today’s kids, I decided it was time to write some new song lyrics.

So I set to work and wrote a collection of funny Christmas songs for children that preserves the original melodies of our favorite Christmas carols, but breathes completely new life into them. They’re Christmas songs like you’ve never heard them before! They’re wierd, wacky, and warped, but all in good fun! Here’s a sample:

Groove King Senseless

(To the tune of Good King Wenceslas)

Groove King senseless last looked out

On his fans all screaming.

Drove into a round-about,

Deep in his day dreaming.

Brightly shone the police light,

Though his fate was cruel.

When he stumbled out of sight,

Up went all the fu-u-el!

Turn the page and you will see

Why the news is selling

Vonda Shepherd, who is she?

What’s with all the yelling?

Says she jumped a giant fence

From a nearby mountain

For his love – it makes no sense

But she hit the fountain!

Bring me flesh, and bring me bones

Please don’t take forever.

How can I answer the phones?

‘Til she’s back together.

Here’s a left and there’s a right

Fixed with lots of good glue

Poor Groove King got such a fright

Do you think he’ll sue?

Funny Christmas songs are a great way to get everyone singing along and having a great time. The traditional Christmas carols have simple, yet powerful melodies that are so familiar to us all. But after hearing the same cryptic lyrics year after year, it’s no wonder some kids (and adults!) get bored with tradition. So why not try something new this year?

After all, holidays are a time for love and laughter, and what better way to bring families together than by sharing a joke in a Christmas song! Why not even have a go at writing your own funny words? The whole family could have a competition to see who can write the funniest lyrics. Surprise your friends and family this Christmas with some outrageous, warped, and funny Christmas songs!

Put a smile on your ‘dial’, with some funny Christmas songs that are sure to brighten up your holidays! For a chuckle, check out this cheeky site: Funny Christmas Songs For Children. Here you’ll find some great reviews of hilarious Christmas albums and MP3s available for download, plus more wacky lyrics. Start singing super silly seasonal songs so Santa won’t be the only jolly one this year!

For a funny musical interpretation of Good King Wenceslas, listen to “Groove King Wenceslas” on Audiojungle. This jazzy tune is available for download in MP3 format. Plus it’s royalty free so you can use it in any of your own projects. Explore the huge collection of Christmas tunes and themes at Audiojungle.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Troy_Johns

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