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Another Funny Night Before Christmas – Santa’s Quitting

funnybone — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 20:24:01 +0000

‘Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks, Santa” – what do I hear?
The old lady bitches ’cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money. The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a**holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days – they are all the pits
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls…their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them,
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I’m quitting this job there’s just no enjoyment.
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason -
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!

David Letterman’s Top Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Santa

funnybone — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 16:22:02 +0000

Leave it to David Letterman to come up with a great Christmas top 10 list. Here’s a list from 2006 of Ten Things You Don’t Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As Santa.

10.”All I want for Christmas is a handful of Vicodin”
9.”Maybe this Christmas, someone will give you a shirt that’s not that ugly”
8.”What do you want for Christmas…Ah, I really don’t care”
7.”Feel my beard — It’s 100% squirrel”
6.”My rabbi said I’m going to hell for wearing this”
5.”Ho…Ho…Ho” (points to 3 old women)
4.”I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen you while you’re sleeping”
3.”Enjoy the last Christmas before we get nuked by the North Koreans”
2.”Hey handsome, meet me under the mistletoe in 10 minutes”
1.”For a hundred bucks, I’ll let you unwrap me”

Santa’s Twin by Dean Koontz

funnybone — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 23:03:34 +0000

What would happen if Santa Claus had an evil twin who decided to kidnap his brother on Christmas Eve and bring items such as mud pies and cat poop to children all over the world rather than the toys and presents they were expecting? In Dean Koontz’s world, the imposter would quickly be foiled by two little girls and Christmas would be saved.

Though Dean Koontz is best known for his bestselling horror and suspense books, this Christmas tale is pure fun for both children and adults. It’s a ryhming, rollicking look at the awful night Santa was kidnapped by his twin brother, Bob Claus, and locked in “a dismal, deep, dark, dank hole” at the North Pole. The twin then proceeds to get into mischief, such as this:

“In the front room, at one of the trees
the bad twin of Santa is on his knees,
giggling as he stuffs another gift box
with a few pairs of smelly old socks.
He snorts and he chortles with evil glee
and mutters, ‘No one will know it was me.’”

But the evil twin’s plans are foiled – and Santa Claus is saved – by two sisters who survive a pie in the face, a ray gun that shoots snow and other challenges. The story is colorfully illustrated by Phil Parks.

And if you enjoy the story of Santa’s Twin, you can follow the adventures of Santa and Bob Claus in the sequel, Robot Santa.

Hungry Santa Video – “When Humans Are Sleeping”

funnybone — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 02:46:07 +0000

This clever animation, called “When Humans are Sleeping – Christmas Animation,” was created by Aaron Erimez and posted on YouTube by aniboom.com. It shows a hungry Santa Claus ornament and his desperate attempt to get out of the tree and down to those yummy cookies that have been set out for old St. Nick.

Santa Claus Jokes

funnybone — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 05:28:44 +0000

Here are some Santa Claus jokes to brigthen your holidays.

Who delivers Christmas gifts to pets?
Santa Paws

What do you get if Santa comes down the chimney while the fire is still burning?
Crisp Kringle

Where does Santa Claus stay when he’s on vacation?
At a ho, ho, ho-tel

Why did Santa take his tree to the dentist?
To get a root canal

What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Santa Claus?
A rebel without a Claus

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What goes oh, oh, oh?
Santa walking backwards

What does Santa like to have for breakfast?
Mistle-toast

How does Santa take photos?
With his North Pole-aroid camera

What kind of motorcycle would Santa Claus ride?
A “Holly” Davidson

What does Santa call Mrs. Claus at tax time?
A dependent Claus

What does Santa Claus do in his garden?
Hoe, hoe, hoe

What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz

What would you call Santa if he became a detective?
Santa Clues

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claus-trophobic

What did Santa Claus say to all the toys on Christmas Eve?
Ok, gang, time to hit the sack!

A little boy climbed into Santa’s lap and Santa asked, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn’t you get my e-mail?”